[cranky] so broke, so pissed

I can literally feel a stabbing pain in my chest. My two $25 birthday giftcards are gone. Who has been in the house since I recieved them? Realtors, prospective house buyers, my good friend "J," and my old high school friend and new friend-without-benefits "Jack." About a month or two ago I had a disappearing cash meltdown -- was Jack going through bags, to find my purse, to find my wallet, to take cash?! Twice? No way. Has Jack managed to walk off with giftcards that had been tucked away? Is that what he was doing instead of cleaning the kitchen after he made midnight dinner a few nights ago?

Previously the thief was my younger sister -- stealing keys, making copies, and sneaking in while we were at work to steal cash and sell-able anxiety meds (usually klonopin). I feel like the biggest fool letting someone into my home and having money disappear. There is $5.05 in my purse right now, all in coins. That's all I have. Along with no job and a student loan payment due in 7 days.

My sister has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). She was diagnosed when she was 17. There is a list of 9 "symptoms"/behaviors and you have to have 5 to get your gold star... she has all 9. Very briefly... she was drugged and raped at age 14 setting her off into a downward spiral of shit; by 15 she had admitted to us that she was drinking heavily since nearly age 13 and she also thought she had a miscarriage without actually having had sex; by 16 she had her first tattoo out of a pay-by-the-hour motel and was dating a 31 year old man with 4 kids from 4 different moms; at 17 I took away her PTI freebie and she had to be processed at the state prison after she stole my identity and all of my money while I was out of the country, she was a member of the Crips, got checked back into the psych ward, and skipped town for several months with my mom (to this day, I'm not sure where they went), after they came back in town she was checked into a residential outdoor rehab center and was their longest ever patient-- turning 18 at the facility and choosing to stay. By age 19 she accused me of molesting her repeatedly as children, and now at 20 I'm forbidden from being in the same building as her, per my mother and grandmother's orders. J has seen her out at bars several times, and she's going to be 21 in a few months. She's claimed to be an alcoholic since she was 15, and now she's regularly drinking and driving and the only person that could possibly stop her is my mother who is afraid of running her off. She is capable of constructing entirely alternate realities, alternate stories, events, persons and then believing them whole-heartedly.

Despite my father and therapist telling me otherwise, I feel like the ultimate dumb shit for allowing money to walk out of my house. I know better. I know the signs, I know what to look for. I let my guard down, and I feel like an idiot. I think there's some chocolate box cake mix in the cabinet I can make, so I can save that $5.05 for something... no clue what...

[feminist] VAWA House action

Boehner, Cantor, and the other GOP/TeaBagger leadership have created a counter Violence Against Women Act. We are asking these targets (democrats and women) to co-sponsor HR 11, the comprehensive VAWA-- not the conservative VAWA. The conservative VAWA excludes LGBTQ, Native Americans, sex trafficking victims, and not-unblocking the rape kit backlog.

sample tweets in English and Spanish:

• 1 in 3 #NativeAmerican #women are victims of #sexualassault during their life. We all deserve a comprehensive #VAWA
• Promueve HR11 porque todavia hay gente muriendo por violencia domestica. #dv #VAWA
• 2 in 5 black #women will be sexually abused during her lifetime. Sponsor HR11 now! #VAWA
• 2 de cada 5 mujeres negras seran abusadas sexualmente en el transcurso de su vida. Promueve HR11 ahora! #VAWA
• #LGBT survivors face the same rates of #DV & #SA as all – so #VAWA must include them too. Sponsor HR11!
• #LGBT enfrentan la misma tasa de #DV & #SA como los demas-por eso #VAWA incluirlos tambien. Promueve HR11!
  

AL	Roby, Martha	R	RepMarthaRoby	202-225-2901
FL	Ros-Lehtinen, Ileana	R	RosLehitinen	202-225-3931
GA	Barrow, John	D	repjohnbarrow	202-225-2823
IL	Lipinski, Daniel	D	RepLipinski	202-225-5701
IN	Walorski, Jackie	R	RepWalorski	202-225-3915
IN	Brooks, Susan W.	R	SusanWBrooks	202-225-2276
KS	Jenkins, Lynn	R	RepLynnJenkins	202-225-6601
MI	Miller, Candice	R	CandiceMiller	202-225-2106
MN	Bachmann, Michele	R	MicheleBachmann	202-225-2331
MN	Peterson, Collin C.	D	no twitter	202-225-2165
MO	Wagner, Ann	R	RepAnnWagner	202-225-1621
MO	Hartzler, Vicky	R	RepHartzler	202-225-2876
NC	Ellmers, Renee	R	RepReneeEllmers	202-225-4531
NC	Foxx, Virginia	R	virginiafoxx	202-225-2071
NC	McIntyre, Mike	D	RepMikeMcIntyre	202-225-2731
SD	Noem, Kristi	R	RepKristiNoem	202-225-2801
TN	Black, Diane	R	repDianeBlack	202-225-4231
TN	Blackburn, Marsha	R	MarshaBlackburn	202-225-2811
TX	Granger, Kay	R	RepKayGranger	202-225-5071
UT	Bishop, Rob	R	no twitter	202-225-0453
UT	Matheson, Jim	D	RepJimMatheson	202-225-3011
WA	Herrera Beutler, Jaime	R	HerreraBeutler	202-225-3536
WA	McMorris Rodgers, Cathy	R	cathymcmorris	202-225-2006
WV	Capito, Shelley Moore	R	RepShelley	202-225-2711
WY	Lummis, Cynthia M.	R	CynthiaLummis	202-225-2311

[feminist] senate shit list

These 22 Republican and Tea Party men voted against re-authorizing the Violence Against Women Act in the Senate. 8 of them voted against bringing up the VAWA for debate and vote at all.

The bill authorizes $659 million over five years for VAWA programs; expands VAWA to include new protections for LGBT and Native American victims; give more attention to sexual assault prevention and to help reduce a backlog in processing rape kits. Created in 1994, VAWA has helped to strengthen programs and services for victims of domestic violence, dating violence and stalking.

[feminist] "Human Traffick"

In honor of human trafficking awareness month, I watched part one of "Human Traffick" last night. It follows the stories of three women/girls-- a single mom in Prague, Czech Republic; a 16 year old student from Kiev, Ukraine; and a 12 year old American tourist visiting Manila, Philippines.

 Helena, the single mom is courted by a handsome man and agrees to get a passport and travel to Vienna, Austria with him. Upon arrival he delivers her to the traffickers for cash and immediately leaves. Nadia is the 16 year old student from Kiev who is recruited to come to America by an eastern European modeling agency. Her mother died several years before, and she lives in a small house with her father who doesn't want her to leave the country. She ends up sneaking away to go with the modeling agency and its other modeling victims. Helena arrives in New York with the modeling group, and they are taken to a strip club-- their passports and papers are taken away, they are stripped down to their underclothes, and told that they have to work as sex slaves until their debt (of passports, visas, plane tickets, all with interest) are paid off. They are sent to different brothels and moved around the area fairly regularly to avoid being caught.

In Manila we see every parent's nightmare: 12 year old Annie is snatched from her mother at the busy market, thrown into the back of a Jeep and driven away. Annie's mother continues to work with the police to try to find her daughter, and eventually her husband has to return home to work. We get a first-hand glimpse of what we usually only hear about in the news. Annie is taken to a brothel in Manila, catering to American/European tourists. We are also introduced to a young girl who is sold by her father into the brothel-- he has too many bills to pay, and he feels he has no choice but to sell her. We also see a very young boy swept away to cater to a client's needs, and then returned to the communal bedroom beaten, bruised, and crying.

[feminist] India's violence against women

India has been in the spotlight lately for brutal gang rapes and police inaction.

On November 13 a 17 year old girl in the Punjab province was gang raped by 3 men. Her father killed himself, and the rape was reported on November 27. She suffered police harassment and embarrassing questions while they refused to arrest her attackers, and was pressured to marry one of the attackers. On December 27 she drank poison and ended her life, prompted the arrest of the three rapists.

On December 16 a 23 year old paramedical student was beaten and gang raped by 6 men on a bus while it drove around New Delhi. The woman's guy friend was also beaten. They were both left on the side of the road, naked after the attackers were finished. She was flown to Singapore for treatment because of massive internal damage, and succumbed to her injuries on December 29.

On Wednesday December 26 a 42 year old married woman was gang raped by 3 men while traveling to Delhi. She knew one of her attackers: a few months ago she filed an attempted rape charge against him, but the police didn't register it.

[feminist] abortion stories

Its time to end the shame and stigmas associated with abortions. To add your story, email me or message me on Facebook.

Emily
I was 18 years old and a senior in high school. I had recently lost a lot of weight within the past year and a half and I started getting attention for a lot of different boys. I met a boy that was in the military. He became my very first boyfriend. We had a very fast relationship. We dated for a month but since he was my first boyfriend I was completely delusionally in love with him. Even though we broke up I'd still travel hours up to his duty station to spend time with him and we continued to sleep together. We saw each other last around the end of December. We remained to talk over the phone. I found out that I was pregnant in February. I told him about it and he immediately demanded that I have an abortion because it would ruin his future career. Funny enough, his family is very conservative and very catholic and yet he was telling me to get an abortion. I knew it was the right thing to do. He offered me no support in the process though, so I kept completely quiet about the situation. At around 14 weeks I decided to cut off contact with him and had an abortion. Was it a hard decision? Yes. Was it the right one? For me yes. I was a senior in high school and I would be a single mom. There was no need to try to raise a child in hostility. It was pretty much painless and I went along my life. To this day he's never said a word about it and continues to be a shitty person but that's on him. Today, I'm a strong woman that is married and has a beautiful little girl. I know for a fact I wouldn't be married, be as happy as I am nor be the person I am today if I hadn't had an abortion. I volunteer with various women's rights groups. I have counter protested 'pro-life' groups outside Planned Parenthoods by myself that have tried to shame me in my decision. But I am not ashamed, not a bit.

[feminist] confession

Question: Why are you so passionate about women's rights, sexual victim's rights, and reproductive rights? You've never been raped or assaulted, you've never had an abortion, you've never been abused.

I have three best girlfriends. Among the three there have been two abortions, and two miscarriages. Today, two are married, one has two children and the other is expecting her first in a few weeks. The other is now happily single. I was the secret-keeper, the advice-giver, the voice and body of control and compassion. I've waited impatiently for pregnancy test results to show up in the tiny ambiguous window, I've seen how heart-wrenching the choice to have an abortion can be, I've seen how painful and confusing a miscarriage is.

My little sister was fourteen (I was nearly seventeen) when she was suddenly delivered home one Sunday afternoon by her then-best friend and her mother-- they pulled up in front of our house after calling to say she was sick, they opened the sliding side door of the mini-van, and my father and I pulled out a limp, wet, stinking child in a bikini. My father and I carried her up the stairs into the front yard as my mother called doctors to see why she was foaming at the mouth. I held my sister as she half-consciously rested against a tree, making sure she vomited to the side and not on herself, as my father went back down to the van to find out what had happened. The only answer they could give was that the bff and my sister had been at a guy's house, my sister had been drinking, and all of a sudden when they left she began puking. We live in a corner house, so we moved my sister around to the backyard, trying not to be seen as her breasts hung out of the bikini and she slipped in and out of consciousness. Eventually we laid her in a reclining pool chair that we had found a few weeks before on the side of the road, and hosed her down. She rambled on and on incoherently while smelling like a distillery.

Sometimes its really hard for me to forgive her stupidity, her choice of friends, her bad decisions. But she never in a million years deserved to have her drink spiked, her best friend turn her back on her, and to be drug up a flight of stairs and locked in a boy's bedroom while she was in and out of consciousness, and then to be slid back down the stairs and drug down the street to another house where my parents were called. What a sick power play, that this same boy has done many times over in our city since then-- his family has a great lawyer, and he has never even been brought into the courthouse for questioning, much less prosecution.

The evening after, my parents sat my sister down in the living room for a talk, and I was sent into the backyard. A bit later one of them came out and announced they were going to the ER and I couldn't come. They were gone about six hours, during which my sister had an incredibly painful and invasive rape kit that was never analyzed. She was questioned by several police officers who talked down to her. The doctors said that she definitely had something fucked up in her drink (how else could you foam at the mouth like a rabid dog?), but that it had already left her system and there was nothing they could do.

Since there was no stray hair, no sperm, no sexual evidence, there was no "proof" that she had been raped.

Since we didn't realize she had been raped when she arrived home that afternoon, and she was incapable of telling us, we didn't get her tested for drugs in time for there to be "proof" of that either.

When my father was five his father died of a heart attack. His older brother began sexually abusing him as a form of power... by the age of ten my father was able to fight back, and he turned on their little sister. When my sister was raped, my father nearly lost his mind. 

Who gets to dictate what is rape, who gets to dictate when and why women have abortions? Why is this a political topic of discussion? These are lifelong traumas, lifelong decisions-- these are personal traumas, personal decisions. I chose to run away from the south to go to school in the mid-west. But you can't run away from your past. So I am fighting for my future-- to keep my personal decisions, my personal traumas, personal. So that it can be my decision to press charges, my decision to have an abortion, and not someone else's.

[cranky] the letter you need to share: Explain That to your Daughter

 "An Open Letter to my 40-something white, male friend on Facebook"

Explain That to your Daughter

This is the letter that you've all be wanting to post on Facebook-- calm, well-written, and absolutely slamming the GOP and their misinformed supporters. How can someone vote against their daughter's future? How can someone vote against their own future? Does the general public have an attention and memory span the same length as my dogs? How much back tracking and mind changing does a person have to do before you realize that they're just full of shit? Have any of them taken the time to read the Republican party platform or the Democratic party platform? Does anyone know what the term "bipartisan" truly means, and does anyone comprehend what an ass John Boehner and his friends are? How many misinformed, uninformed, racist, sexist, ignorant people does it take to throw a country a hundred years backwards in terms of rights for half of the population?

[super cranky feminist] my theory on Paul Ryan's jobs plan

Reflecting on the religion/abortion question from the VP debate, Ryan said that (flip flop alert!) he WOULD allow abortion in cases of rape, incest, and life of the mother. Note that he said life of the mother, not health of the mother, which are two different things-- if the fetus isn't definitely going to kill the woman, there's a chance she won't get the abortion she still needs, or wants. We also can't forget that Todd Akin's "legitimate rape" fiasco goes hand in hand with Paul Ryan, they've attempted to "redefine" rape together-- further limiting a woman's choices. "Redefined" rape would mean that marital rape, ex-partner/spouse rape, date rape, etc would likely no longer be considered rape. Only violent "stranger" rape would be considered rape (if we haven't by then totally abolished the idea of rape...).

And how much work would a woman have to do to "prove" that she was raped? (Definitely not saying men are not raped, because I have male friends that are rape victims. I'm only talking about women right now because only women can get pregnant.) Already women usually pay out of pocket for a painful and humiliating rape kit that quite often is never analyzed; she would likely be required to press charges against her rapist(s) in order to secure an abortion (remember the rate of conviction is estimated at less than 3%); and she would have to face the public humiliation and stigma associated with publicly admitting to being a rape victim in today's society.

So then, if we've lowered rates of rape by redefinition, then why do Rape Crisis Centers need funding?
If we're going to teach and preach abstinence-only sex ed, why do we need to offer birth control? Why do we need to ensure that insurance companies cover birth control in health insurance plans? (just a reminder-- no one is asking for FREE birth control, we're asking for our health insurance to cover our birth control in the same way it covers other medications like pain killers and ED treatments) Should all sex be purely for procreating?

Reminder-- Romney has promised to de-fund Planned Parenthood (which just like PBS, can't run on donations alone).

Will my birth control pill, used primarily for controlling ovarian cysts and endometriosis, suddenly cost $120 a month instead of $30 a month because my insurance company (or my mother's employer offering insurance) suddenly has a "moral objection" to birth control?

Oh, and that Plan B you can get from the pharmacist? Forget that right now-- with fetal personhood lighting Ryan's toes on fire it will be outlawed. "Life begins at conception." Did you learn in your health/sex ed class that its quite common for eggs to be fertilized but simply fail to implant in the lining of the woman's uterus? So then is the woman a murderer for failing to have the perfect uterus for that particular egg to implant in? Plan B works to prevent a fertilized egg from implanting, and Paul Ryan wants to make sure that not only is Plan B off the market (it would help to "kill" a 2-cell "innocent life"), but that it's not available to any rape victim that asks for it. This implantation-prevention form of birth control would become illegal, and it includes IUDs as well as other forms of birth control. It also, in theory, makes IVF illegal (unless of course your last name is Romney)-- all of the eggs that are harvested and fertilized must be implanted, and if you chose not to implant some and have them frozen, you honestly have to include the frozen test tube fertilized eggs in your will (and you can't dump them as medical waste, either). You can't make this shit up.

And just for good measure, lets not forget that when you've got kids at home to take care of you often can't work. Day care isn't an option for everyone, especially when you've got several kids. This could mean that 50% of the sexually-active working-age population would be at home, and out of the formal economy. I guess that means that there are more jobs for men and the women that aren't yet mothers... but that sure sounds like a shitty jobs plan to me.

[feminist] video: women "raped too much"

liz trotta: misogynist 

The link will take you to HuffPost's video of a Fox news interview with a well-respected journalist Liz Trotta. She tells her viewers that Feminists are the reason there is so much rape in the military, and that they are also the reason that there are so many useless jobs such as advocates for sexual victims, and counselors. She believes that women can should only expect to encounter more violent sexual attacks as they move closer and closer to attaining equality with men in the military. Except she doesn't use the word equality, of course. She also claims that women "are now being raped too much"-- too much? This leads me to believe that your statement also says that "being raped a little is okay." Did you really mean that? Do you honestly mean that women who choose to serve their country and aim to be the best soldiers they can expect to "be raped a little"? Whats the difference between a little and too much? Clearly your privileged bubble needs to be burst, and soon, before you contaminate any more minds and bring women back in time from all of their accomplishments.

[feminist] 60 seconds of advocacy: congo's coltan is killing civilians for our phones

Amnesty International USA, Take Action! SEC: Companies Must Disclose Conflict Minerals in Their Products
I'm active in the Amnesty International USA group on my university campus, and I'm always looking for ways to be involved on a global level, without forking over money that I don't have. This link will take you to the Amnesty page which has information about emailing the SEC to be accountable for human rights around the world.

Thanks to wikipedia for its infinite wealth of random information (this is my condensed version):

• Columbite-tantalite (or coltan, the colloquial African term) is the metal ore from which the element tantalum is extracted. [which is used in products ranging] from hearing aids and pacemakers, to airbags, GPS, ignition systems and anti-lock braking systems in automobiles, through to laptop computers, mobile phones, video game consoles, video cameras and digital cameras. As a result, it is used in jet engine/turbine blades, drill bits, end mills and other tools.
• Cassiterite is chief ore needed to produce tin, essential for the production of tin cans and solder on the circuit boards of electronic equipment. Tin is also commonly a component of biocides, fungicides and as tetrabutyl tin/tetraoctyl tin, an intermediate in polyvinyl chloride (PVC) and high performance paint manufacturing.
• Wolframite is an important source of the element tungsten. Tungsten is a very dense metal and is frequently used for this property, such as in fishing weights, dart tips and golf club heads. [Also] in metalworking tools, drill bits and milling. Minimal amounts are used in electronic devices, including the vibration function of cell phones and Blackberries.
• Gold 

Don't you want to know if your laptop or phone helped to promote armed conflict against civilians? How about the golf clubs you're going to buy your husband for his birthday, the video game console your kid wants for Christmas, or the new GPS you want. If all companies had to label their products as to where they got their parts, wouldn't you choose the product that didn't fund the mass murder and rape of civilian populations?

[fat] a new diet begins

I've joined weight watchers this week. The online food diary from last semester helped me figure out what I should and shouldn't eat, but somehow weight watchers feels more legitimate?

I have metabolic syndrome, meaning that I have elevated cholesterol, elevated blood sugar, a slow metabolism, elevated blood pressure, and a knack for not ever being able to lose weight. The carrots and hummus diet did nothing. The protein water diet did nothing. So now I'm on to the most legitimate thing I can find online. I weighed in this week at a whopping 220.5 pounds. Standing at just 5 feet and 6 inches tall when I bother to stand straight, my BMI tells me that I'm obese, and that my ideal weight is 125-155. That's 65.5 pounds to lose. And according to my doctor if I don't lose it, I'll be diabetic just like my grandmother. I inherited the huge boobs and bad blood, way to go.