[fat] confessions on my own scars, stretch marks, and hairiness

giangie.tumblr.com

My first surgery scars came in high school from putting my shoulder back together after a weird overuse accident. (labral tear-- the tissue that holds the ball and socket in place was torn from the bone) After being misdiagnosed for eight months the three one-inch-long scars felt like battle scars. A year later I had a breast reduction, three pounds and some drainage tubes later I’ve got almost two feet of faint pink scars. I have yet to meet a man who noticed my scars until about a month of pillow talk later… it’s been quite the confidence booster. My other surgery scars are from having my appendix plucked out a few years after that. The scars are consistent with an ovary removal, but luckily it was my appendix that was infected and dying instead. The surgical scars could almost count as battle scars -- except my belly and boobs have faced no trauma.


All along my arms and legs are bug bites. Ants and mosquitoes for the most part, but the occasional family of chiggers or no-see-ums will try to take up residence under a flip flop strap. Many bites have scabbed over, and some have finally left smooth purple discolorations. I haven’t shaved my legs in over four years -- thighs in over six. Luckily the hair is rather blonde and thin, so I don’t need to worry about shaving over bug bites and opening up scabs. I’ve also got my fair share of old scraped knees and shins from work as well as my years of tree climbing and mud pie pancake making in the back yard. Additionally, no guy has noticed my leg hair until I've actually pointed it out to him. Women on occasion have noticed the leg hair.


[Fat] progress?

Progress is a long long journey. I feel that I've been making progress in terms of both my mental health (depression, anxiety) and my personal acceptance of my body ever since I came back from Ghana. Mental health has had two big hurdles/setbacks in the last year, but I've honesty never felt better about my body than I do these days. However, this week has been incedibly hard. My sister has been struggling for the last two weeks, she took it out on my father, and he took it out on me.
So I'm taking it out on the blog.
Have you ever written a hate-note to yourself? For years I used to just write "fat ugly stupid" and leave it in my underwear drawer or the corner of my desk so that my parents or roommate could never find it. I haven't written one in ages, but I did a few days ago... its almost funny, almost, that this time I wrote "too fat."
I know this is all part of being human. But it hurts so much. And waking up in the morning to find my note the next day just threw me back down again. I have to remember that we are all human, and I am not alone in this. And that if you have ever been here, you are not alone either. It takes time to make progress. And we're here together to make that journey.

[fat] WW, take 2

I restarted Weight Watchers a week ago. The end of last semester of school was absolutely overwhelming, and I enjoyed too much good beer and ice cream. I weighed in at 223 pounds, and somehow lost 4 pounds last week, to 219.
I can't wait to get down to 199, then I'm allowed to open up a big bag of clothes from Ghana, along with my shorts. (muffin top, anyone? haha)

[fat] good news!

Shouldn't have been so hard on myself last night-- I weighed myself, finally, and after 7 tries I was confident that I had lost 3.5 pounds. Honestly, that's the most weight I've lost in one week since I had Typhoid Fever last May.

Last week's goal of walking 10,000 steps a day totally failed. I got to like 7,000ish a day... at least its a start, right? I'm really trying to hold onto the 8 glasses of water a day from the first week. Naturally it means chugging water in the evening after drinking coffee all day... but I'm hydrated. Don't burst my bubble.

[fat] and sad

Its the end of my second week on weight watchers, and I'm afraid to weigh myself. I haven't exceeded my points for the week, and I haven't really eaten the last two days. I've bizarrely not been interested in food at all. If only I could keep this up during the week and not just my lazy weekends.

I feel like my weight will have increased, for absolutely no reason. It seems like that's always the way my body works. Tonight I've been dwelling on Ghana, and last May when I was 50 pounds less than I am now. (Granted, I did have typhoid fever at the time, but it was 50 pounds less than today)

Maybe if I get on the scale it will have gone up. Could I blame it on my wet hair? Was I standing on the scale differently? Maybe my weight has gone down. I almost want to laugh at myself, I feel like this diet is just a trick for maintaining my weight because I will never drop any weight. I swear I'd throw myself a party at 20 pounds lost, I'd have my ass below 200.

[feminist] Miss Representation Film

I just got back from watching "Miss Representation" which was absolutely incredible. Sometimes it takes being slapped in the face before we realize what we're absorbing into our minds, both consciously and subconsciously. I've attached the Trailer.

"Miss Representation brings together some of America's most influential women in politics, news and entertainment, including Condoleezza Rice, Nancy Pelosi, Katie Couric, Rachel Maddow, Margaret Cho, Rosario Dawson and Gloria Steinem to give audiences an inside look at the media's message and depiction of women. The film explores women's under-representation in positions of power by challenging their limited and often disparaging portrayals in the media. Miss Representation takes the stand that the media is portraying women's primary values as their youth, beauty and sexuality - rather than their capacity as leaders."

When was the last time you watched a movie where the star was a woman?
And she wasn't hunting down a man to marry?
Or Laura Croft, taking charge of the world as a badass go-get-um woman wearing not enough clothes?
You're not sure, are you?

[fat] a new diet begins

I've joined weight watchers this week. The online food diary from last semester helped me figure out what I should and shouldn't eat, but somehow weight watchers feels more legitimate?

I have metabolic syndrome, meaning that I have elevated cholesterol, elevated blood sugar, a slow metabolism, elevated blood pressure, and a knack for not ever being able to lose weight. The carrots and hummus diet did nothing. The protein water diet did nothing. So now I'm on to the most legitimate thing I can find online. I weighed in this week at a whopping 220.5 pounds. Standing at just 5 feet and 6 inches tall when I bother to stand straight, my BMI tells me that I'm obese, and that my ideal weight is 125-155. That's 65.5 pounds to lose. And according to my doctor if I don't lose it, I'll be diabetic just like my grandmother. I inherited the huge boobs and bad blood, way to go.